Not Dead Yet

What a fucking year. I would be lying if I did not say that 2016 thus far has kicked my lily-white ass up one side and down the other… but I promise you one thing- I am NOT DEAD YET.

It is going to take more than this to kill a soldier like me off, but there is no doubt that we all have a hell of a lot of work to do, as the world is changing before our eyes; and in the opinion of this bleeding-heart liberal, not for the better. But if there is one thing I can appreciate it is a good fight, so fuck you, Universe. Bring that shit. Let’s dance motherfucker.

It is funny how things can go from order to chaos in what seems like moments. How is it that one day it seems like everything is moving right a long according to plan and then out of nowhere a bus runs right over your hopes, dreams, and what seems like everything you have worked for? It is ugly out here these days, but luckily for this giant asshole I thrive in moments of ugly chaos. So here we go, and I can promise you… NOT DEAD YET.

I have faced several personal struggles this year, as I have worked to figure out who and what I need to be in this ever-changing landscape with the earth moving underneath my feet at a pace I can barely keep up with. A lot of pain I have brought upon myself, and we will talk about that one day soon. But for now, it is the bigger picture that has me panicked. My own struggles are insignificant in the scheme of things. My demons are small in comparison to those that seem to be swirling about these days threatening all of our very existence.

There is no doubting that the election this year was incredibly brutal. Just watching it all unfold made me sad to be a part of this society. How we have chosen to be led by an ass-clown who lies 80% of the time, who beat out yesterday’s news and an unfortunate choice for what probably should have been “the first woman President” is beyond me. Is this the best our Nation has to be considered for the most powerful position on earth? This is who we elected? Really? These were our choices? Fucked of fuckderer; and we chose fuckeder? Unfuckingbelievable.

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But alas, I must digress. The people have spoken; or whatever the fuck you call it when the majority of people say one thing, but the “Electoral College” of people says otherwise. The bottom line is that we are at a very dangerous point in our history as humans… and we have had some pretty fucked up and dangerous histories. The new Dark Ages is upon us. I do not know what to think any more, but I do know one thing. NOT DEAD YET!

As a cannabis activist, advocate, supporter, or provider, you should probably be pretty fucking worried right now. Why? Because you have a brutal prohibitionist prick nominated to lead the United States Justice Department, and the only thing saving your ass right now is a fairly weak worded memo that I assure you will be torn up and burned the day after Jeff Sessions is nominated Attorney General. Welcome to the show, bitches.

We are in the middle of trying to raise fund for the Parents 4 Pot Cannabis Community and POW Holiday Drive, and as I look to those who have helped us to bring a holiday to these families in need it is clear that things have seriously changed in the cannabis community. Over half of the major donors that made the last couple of years happen have either told me they have nothing to contribute this year, or they have contributed about 5% of what they did last year. It has been demoralizing to say the least, and to be honest… It makes me sort of sick to my stomach. Between the threat of a new aggressive enforcement administrator taking over the DEA, and a myriad of new regulatory costs and worries, it seems like a lot of the folks who have been incredibly generous in the past have decided to bury their money under the woodpile this year.

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The really funny part is that now more than ever is the time you should be contributing all you can to those affected by cannabis prohibition because if things play out the way they look like they might then you are going to need all of the good karma you can muster. It might be you and your family on the list next year… if there even is a list. Developing Parents 4 Pot as a non-profit organization dedicated to fighting for cannabis freedom for those with parents or children in prison for weed; those who have had to uproot their families to move where cannabis is for health reasons; and those who have lost their jobs, homes, children, standing in the community, and/or freedom because of cannabis has been an incredibly rewarding experience. It has also been very challenging.

I am lucky enough to have a Board of Directors willing to commit their time, energy, and often resources to making the organization work. For the love of the game we have been able to grow #P4P into something we can all be very proud of. We have been able to educate many, and support a lot of those who have been forgotten, as our “movement” based on this sacred plant has evolved into an “industry” populated by the good, the bad, and the ugly looking to hit it big on the next big thing.

I have fought for cannabis freedom the majority of my life now, and it has become my lifeblood. I have been incredibly lucky to bear witness firsthand to what has become the fastest growing industry in the world and also the most exciting political movement since the Civil Rights movement. But I have also seen the “next big thing” come and go more times than I can really stomach.

But I am still here, fuckers. NOT DEAD YET.

I have two weeks to make a Christmas miracle happen for 40 amazing families who have lost everything due to cannabis prohibition, and I will be damned if I am going to let them down. I will make the Parents 4 Pot Holiday Drive a success if I have to take hostages to get it done. I am not above anything at this point. I could give a fuck. We promised Christmas to 40 families in need, and one way or another we are going to deliver. Even if I have to put all of their gifts on my own credit card and extort everyone in this godforsaken industry that I have a pile of dirt on for every penny they have made from this beloved plant. #FUNNYNOTFUNNY

Yeah. It is like that. Sorry-Not-Sorry.

“Breathe, Mickey. It is going to be okay. I said BREATHE, motherfucker! Step back and realize that you are NOT DEAD YET. The Big Magnet in the Sky will make things right with the world and that things will work out.”

You just gotta believe, and I still do. I will not let the system get me down. I will continue to fight the good fight every day until they either lock the door behind be or cremate my phat-ass. It is what I do. It is who I am. #NOTDEADYET

So as I sit here with the reality that Donald Fucking Trump is going to be our Commander in Chief, and his posse of weed-hating fuckfaces will probably take our entire movement/industry (or whatever the fuck you want to call this deal we have going) back to Nancy Reagan’s Just Say No 1980’s bullshit, I have to wonder what tomorrow will bring. What is next? How can the humans fuck up our society any worse than we already have?

I am not sure; but what I am sure of is that if they can then they will.

Most days it seems like I live in an alternate universe and that this whole deal is a dreamish nightmare that I will awaken from at any moment. Yet every day I wake up and look myself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. Fuck your hopes and dreams. Let’s go the fuck out here and try to change the world for the better… again.” I have to. I put one foot in front of the other, and regardless of the challenges we face, I move forward. It is all I know. It is who I have become.

That might seem like a dark reality, but have you looked around this motherfucker lately? Is it just me, or is there something very spooky happening out here as of late? Am I crazy?

I guess we all are a little crazy in one way or another; but lately it has seemed more difficult to be comfortable in my own aura. But again… NOT DEAD YET.

The holidays are upon us, and while it is supposed to be a “joyous” and “merry” time of the year, it is also incredibly stressful and draining for a lot of us. The world has always been fucked up, so it is not like this is a new phenomenon… but it is a new era of fucked up that none of us can be sure of what is to come.

Maybe I am over-reacting. Maybe Trump will be the greatest President we have ever had. Maybe cannabis will be truly legalized for everyone on earth. Maybe the rapture will happen and take all of the good people to live in heaven with the good Lord Jesus, or Muhammad, or Jah, or at least Johnny Cash… Or maybe we are entirely fucked in a way that we have even yet to imagine as a society.

Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares? When it is all said and done, does any of it really matter? Does our existence make a difference in the grand scheme of a Universe so massive and vast that none of us can even imagine, and a long and storied history that our lives are but a spec of? I am not sure that it does; and frankly, I don’t really give a shit.

I am going to continue to work towards making the world a better place and to be the best person I possibly can. I am going to continue to smoke, grow, and provide weed regardless of what the government says. I can be an outlaw or an entrepreneur, and be just as happy either way. I am pretty good at both. I have lived such a full and meaningful life in my first 42 years on this planet, that anything from here on is gravy. Not much they can do to me that has not been done already. I probably won’t laugh or love harder than I already have and I will likely continue to be a gigantic asshole with a tremendous heart. I will always be #FUCKMICKEY. No one can take that away from me.

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Many have tried and failed, and fuck each and everyone of them. Most of those who I have gone to battle with are miserable people not deserving of the air they breathe… there are plenty of those walking around for certain. Fuck ’em all. I got your “award” right here, pal. No you cocksuckers… Everyone does not get a fucking trophy.

How the fuck we came to this moment in history boggles one’s mind. But regardless, we are here…. we are NOT DEAD YET. Not even close, bitches.

None of us can know what tomorrow will bring, and yesterday is for suckers. All we can do is live for right now and do everything we can in this moment to ensure that what we leave behind for our children, families, friends, and fellow beings is more spectacular than what we found when we crawled out of our mother’s womb. Yup… What a long strange trip it has been, and will continue to be- at least until we die.

But you might have heard this before, but I am going to say it one more time just to make sure you caught it…. I am NOT DEAD YET.

Selah. Wooooooooooooosh!

The Game Needs Me and I Need the Game

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A couple of months ago I was not sure I would ever write this blog again. It has been a difficult journey for me lately and I was exhausted. My words did not seem to come as easily as they once had, and I was unsure about if what I wrote actually even mattered any more. I was frustrated, tired, and experiencing massive changes on all fronts in my life. I needed to take some time to gather my thoughts and reassess what it was I was doing here in the weed game any more.

While it was a nice break, it was also very difficult. For me, writing is an outlet where I can express my ideas and put down in words the many thoughts that run through my head constantly. This blog is a place where I write for me… not for any of you.  I dig that people enjoy my work and I can appreciate that my words can touch people. It is awesome to feel like you have helped educate so many by taking the time to share your inner-most thoughts and intimate details with the world. But it really is about me.

Weed Activist, and Cannabis Warrior before it, and Free Tainted before that have all been cathartic exercises in getting out a lot of the chaos in my own head, and putting it onto a page so that it can make sense. It helps me to examine and look more closely at the industry and movement I am so much a part of. The words I write give me guidance and help me to understand myself and my surroundings much more clearly.

So while it has been fun taking the time I spend here and focusing it in other directions, the reality is that the game needs me and I need the game.

I look forward to bringing new and interesting content back to the scene; and making people ask questions they never might have thought to ask. The truth is that there is A LOT happening in cannabis right now, and it is going to take A LOT of work to ensure that at the end of the day it is still just about a plant and some freedom.

There is no shortage of new and exciting developments to look at with a critical eye. From CBD only bullshit laws to new invasive regulatory models being supported by people we once trusted that will likely destroy everything we have built, I certainly have plenty to write about. It seems every day there is a new sellout and huckster to expose, or “next big thing” that is really just another fraud. There are also some great and very exciting things happening that deserve some love and attention.

So I am proud to say my retirement from the weed writing game was short and fruitful and that I am back with a vengeance. Not for you or anyone else, but solely for me… I do hope you will enjoy the show. It is about to get live up in this bitch.

Look for some extremely hard in the paint pieces in the coming months that will blow your mind and make you question reality. It is gonna be that kind of party… I have missed sitting down and letting the world know exactly what is on my mind.

I hope the snakes enjoyed my leave of absence because it is coming and there is not shit they can do about it. I invented the game.

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The Airing of the Grievances

A Fesitvus for the rest of us….one of my favorite traditions. Please review and take in my airing of the grievances for 2013. Feel free to add your own in the comment section….

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THE AIRING OF THE GRIEVANCES:

1. Weed is still not totally legal. (Though two states, a country, several cities and a federal stand down was a hell of a year)

2. People are still going to jail for weed at alarming rates in many areas. This must stop. However we get there, I just want to get there.

3. People are still losing their kids for weed. This is pure madness by any civilized standard. We must put an end to cannabis abductions.

4. Parents are still having to worry about treating their sick children with safe and effective cannabis medicines. What kind of evil people would put parents of sick children through this?

5. Folks are still losing their job for weed. If it were not for weed most companies would not even piss test people. We should end prohibition and at the same time end having to give body fluid to people for employment.

6. People are still looking down their noses at cannabis users. We must continue to shift the paradigm through admitting we are good people that like weed. For too long it has just been the fringe willing to step up. You garage weed smokers need to be accounted for. We all know you get high, dummy.

7. Why the fuck are people still hungry?

8. Too many losers running around claiming to be experts in this fucking industry who do not know shit except how to steal other people’s work and talk suckers out of their money.

9. Meth torches…..

10. Weed is still not totally legal…..

If you cannot laugh at yourself try being funnier…

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I am short, a little fat, and can be a fairly grumpy asshole on most days….and that can be very funny.

I laugh at myself all of the time. I have to. I have way too many flaws and issues in my life to not find the humor in it. I can remember times when I wanted to be taken more seriously, and worked to hide my flaws to fit this mold or that trend. Believe it or not, I used to be very hard on myself and worried greatly about my public image. I used to give a shit what others thought about me to the point I was not even sure who I really was any more at times.

I cannot pinpoint the moment in my growth where that changed, but I know it came from the realization that despite my flaws and issues I am a really good person. I also looked around and decided that the other gigantic assholes I was sharing this planet with were no better than me, despite how shiny and polished they look to the naked eye. In fact, through direct experience with other humans, I understood everyone was pretty much a retarded bag of thought and emotion that did not know more about being a successful human than I did.

I have worked with some very successful people over the years, and was always enlightened by the experience. But in dealing with people who are successful, I learned that even successful people have many severe flaws. The difference is that most have acknowledged these flaws, accepted them, and have learned to be successful despite their flaws. They understand their limitations, and sometimes irrational behaviors; and they can laugh at them. By acknowledging their own shortcomings, they can then find other humans who excel where they lack and who can help them achieve their objectives.

They have taken the power from their own imperfections by embracing them and learning to overcome them. Those who cannot truly laugh at themselves can never achieve real success because they cannot understand their own failures. When we know that we are just another stupid human we can prepare for that and work around it. If we consistently deny who we are, and the way we live our life, in fear of being judged by others we lose who we are and our sense of purpose.

No matter who you are, you are a funny loser at times. Get over yourself.

The humor in life is the only thing that keeps me grounded. I like to poke fun at the world because it is an amusing place to live. I do not mind having fun poked back at me either because I am a dorky, weird, and often ill-tempered. I am the first to make fun of myself because I know firsthand how stupid I really am. No one can play the dozens with me better than me. I am that big of an asshole.

I run across a lot of people who lack a sense of humor, and who have ZERO sense of humor when it comes to themselves. These are very sad and needy creatures who fake some weird elitist self-confidence to make themselves feel important. They want so bad to command respect that they have no idea how stupid they look to the rest of us. You fuckers do know we can see you, right? Or better yet…we can see right through you.

Nothing is more sad than the person who takes their life so seriously that they really have no life at all. People hate fake people. No one who has lived on this planet for more than a decade is falling for your bullshit. We all know you are a dorky weirdo inside like the rest of us. So knock off the charades and enjoy the journey. Put down your guard every once in a while and let you be you.

Learn to laugh at yourself again. You are a funny mofo.

Some do not find my humor funny, and I can appreciate that. Most people who think that also do not know how to laugh at themselves yet. They have not figured out that there is no prize for being the coolest. They are still prisoners to their own self-conscious.

But those who have embraced who they are and who have joined in the chorus of laughter have freed themselves from the burden of ridicule. No one can make you feel bad about you if you understand that who you are is just fine, and yeah, it is a little funny.

So the next time you are feeling down, or put down by others, just embrace that dorky weird semi-crazy person that lives inside of you and laugh it off. Get a good belly laugh about what a freak you are and then move on with life knowing that the rest of us are just as big of idiots as you.

Laugh until you cannot laugh any more, and if you cannot laugh at yourself work on being funnier.

The Story of Weed Jesus (A Parody)

We are blessed in the cannabis industry. No man cometh unto the weed but by Weed Jesus. Have you accepted Weed Jesus to be your personal weed savior?

Once you accept Weed Jesus into your life a transformation happens. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE WILL NOW BE CREDITED TO WEED JESUS, and your personal identity will cease to exist. Praise Weed Jesus!

For those of you who do not know Weed Jesus and need to be saved from your own personal accomplishments and awards, get to know the story of Weed Jesus and you will be filled with the spirit. Your personal accomplishments will immediately become irrelevant and Weed Jesus will gladly take credit for everything you have ever done.

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What Would Weed Jesus Do?

Here is the story of Weed Jesus:

An inspired and undisputed leader of the marijuana universe, Weed Jesus has almost four million decades of activism and advocacy in the cannabis reform movement. He invented cannabis reform and all of the other reformers are grateful for his existence. His vision and leadership have been featured by news teams from around the globe including major news outlets in the United States, France, Australia, Canada, Japan, Germany, the United Kingdom, as well as all intergalactic news media outlets. The media has featured Weed Jesus’ landmark and ‘gold standards’ Weed Jesus Health Center in their coverage in the emerging cannabis industry. It is a place where divine intervention, holy safe access, angelic responsible use and godly lab tested high quality virtuous  medicine is offered to patients in great need of relief from a wide range of medical conditions.  Weed Jesus comes first at Weed Jesus Health Center.

Weed Jesus has been featured by The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Koran, The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, the Associated Press, The Wall Street Journal, NPR, and the BBC; Fortune Magazine and literally every major network news source in the heavens and earth. His creation of a model immaculate medical cannabis dispensary and lifelong cannabis righteousness coupled with his all-knowing of everything ever in this arena has made him THE most respected deity in the cannabis and hemp industries.

Most of Weed Jesus’ career has been spent at the intersection of holiness and awesomeness, with a focus on creating non-profitable ventures that simultaneously advance his social goals. In addition to Weed Jesus Health Center, these ventures include Ecolution, SteepHill Laboratory, The ArcView Group, and YOUR COMPANY. Anything you did in the weed industry was because of Weed Jesus one way or another. Don’t front.

In the beginning, Weed Jesus invented the cannabis and the earth in Seven Days

  • Day 1 – Weed Jesus created the grow light and separated the light from the darkness, calling light “day” and darkness “night.” Out of the shadows, bitches!
  • Day 2 – Weed Jesus created an expanse to separate the waters and called it “CO2.”
  • Day 3 – Weed Jesus created the soil and gathered the waters, calling the dry ground “medium,” and the gathered waters “nutrient tanks.” On day three, Weed Jesus also created seeds, clones, and mothers.
  • Day 4 – Weed Jesus created sungrown, moon cured, and the sensi-stars to give illumination to the earth and to govern and separate the day and the night growing cycles. These would also serve as signs to mark grow seasons, light-dep days, and harvests.
  • Day 5 – Weed Jesus created EVERY living grower of the hills and every cannabis entrepeneur, blessing them to multiply and fill the cannabis industry with life.
  • Day 6 – Weed Jesus created the growers and sellers to fill the earth. On day six, Weed Jesus also created dude and some broad in his own image to buy the weed from him. He blessed them and gave them every strain and the whole movement to rule over, care for, and cultivate.
  • Day 7 – Weed Jesus had finished his work of cannabis creation and so he rested on the seventh day, blessing it and making it holy.

 

Childhood

Weed Jesus’ enlightened activist education started early. He was born in Weedadelphia and raised in Weedington DC where his father created the Kennedy administration in his likeness.  His parents’ also created the Civil Rights movement and the Peace Corps. Weed Jesus and the divine family returned to Washington DC from India at a time when the Vietnam War and its atrocities were prominent in the news. Weed Jesus both started and stopped the Vietnam War.

Early Activism

Weed Jesus organized and invented “Smoke-Ins” in and around Weedington, D.C.

Appalled by the visions of bombs dropping on villages much like the ones he had seen in India, Weed Jesus began skipping school to attend antiwar demonstrations downtown. In 7th grade he organized the takeover of his school’s gymnasium in solidarity with an antiwar demonstration and he expelled the money changers from the Temple, accusing them of turning the Temple into a den of thieves through their commercial activities.

By the time he was a young teenager, events like the Kent State massacre and the Chicago 8 trial made him aware that his political dissent could very well result in going to jail or being shot.  But risk and fear have never stopped Weed Jesus. The reason Weed Jesus has to die for our sins is so that we can be forgiven of our accomplishments and be with Weed Jesus.  Weed Jesus is a God in the flesh and only Weed Jesus can satisfy the Law requirements of a perfect life and perfect sacrifice that cleanses us of our achievement.

At 16 years old Weed Jesus dropped out of school to create the Yippies, and soon became the omnipotent leader of the legendary July 4th Smoke-Ins in front of the White House.

Early Entrepreneurship

Weed Jesus single-handedly revitalized the well known Adams Morgan neighborhood in Washington, D.C.

Weed Jesus spent several years as a street activist, focused more on creating change than being a prophet. As he grew from a teenager to a young man his entrepreneurial instincts kicked in, and he put the skills he learned as a street activist (event planning, stage management and promotions) to create the music industry.  He became an independent holy concert promoter, nightclub deity and seraphic record producer.  He soon had renovated two sinful movie theaters and converted them to unworldly live music venues, setting a trend for all other communities to follow in his light.  Weed Jesus  was responsible for the rehabilitation of the Adams Morgan neighborhood, with the opening of his Beat Club nightclub and renovation of Ontario Theater from movies to live performances.  Nobody else did anything. It was all him. To this day, movie theaters are being renovated and made in to music venues across the country and they all stole their ideas from Weed Jesus.  WJ has been ahead of the times since the very beginning of his career.  So is the way with leaders with vision.

In fact, Weed Jesus actually created time so that he could be ahead of it because that is what real leaders do. Do not try to do anything yourself because even if you do something it will all be because of Weed Jesus anyways.

NutHouse Cathedral

In 1986 Weed Jesus completed his interrupted education, graduating Summa Cum Laude Da from the University of Heaven with a BA in Weed Studies. After graduation he opened the legendary Nuthouse, which High Times called an east coast version of the famous Family Dog in San Francisco; and we all know if High Times said it then it is truth. Housed in a vintage 9 bedroom Victorian that Weed Jesus built with his own two hands in a matter of days, the Nuthouse Cathedral was a sanctuary from the cultural sterility of Republican dominated Washington DC.

During the first Bush administration, the Nuthouse proved to be a refuge for cannabis activists and notables including Bob Marley, John Lennon, Fidel Castro, William Kunstler, Jack Kerouac, Hugh Hefner, Wavy Gravy, Hunter S. Thompson, the Dali Lama, and Jack Herer. NutHouse roommates were drawn from the ranks of activists and musicians Weed Jesus had worked with, with a steady sprinkling of itinerant Rainbow Family travelers and out of town activists; and nobody (including Weed Jesus) did heroin contrary to popular belief.

All night jam session potluck gatherings happened every Saturday thanks to Weed Jesus, attracting some of DC’s most talented musicians in the afterhours. Periodically, when conferences or demonstrations brought out of town visitors, the NutHouse was converted to a holy activist dormitory and faultless logistical support center. Every once in a while John F. Kennedy and his brother Bobby would stop in for a toke and a drum circle.

Hemp Museum and Tour

In 1987, Jack Herer, author of The Emperor Wears No Clothes, showed up at the Nuthouse, waving a tattered tabloid manuscript of his soon-to-be-famous book, “The Emperor Wears No Clothes.” Jack fell asleep on the couch and Weed Jesus actually ended up writing the now famous manuscript.

Weed Jesus’ book outlined the hidden history of the link between industrial hemp and marijuana, and the conspiracy to make both of them illegal. The Emperor deepened Weed Jesus’ realization that cannabis was a good plant, not an evil plant—and validated his efforts to make it legal. After writing it, he decided to focus his activist efforts on promoting the book’s message far and wide. After editing and publishing the manuscript, Weed Jesus became a prime organizer of the first ever Hemp Museum, and Hemp Tour, which brought the news about hemp to hundreds of universities nationwide. Jack Herer would be no one without the help of Weed Jesus.

Ecolution

Displayed in that tour were balls of twine made from hemp, which college students found to be an excellent material for macramé jewelry, and began purchasing in ever growing quantities. Before long, Weed Jesus had completely exhausted the available supply of twine in the entire United States himself, so he traveled to Eastern Europe in search of a reliable supplier.  That trip led to the 1990 divine founding of Ecolution, a sacrosanct company that manufactured blessed hemp clothing and accessories, and exported them to retail stores in all 50 states, 21 foreign countries, and 17 planets.  This company again enabled Weed Jesus to cross-pollinate his extraordinary leadership and activism skills – and this helped shape Ecolution to grow into the most professional and mainstream intergalactic industrial hemp companies.

Weed Jesus sees hemp and cannabis as one issue, not two. He believes that the 1937 legislation that made cannabis illegal was passed due to influence from Weed Satan’s corporate interests like the Hearst and DuPont Corporations, who saw hemp as a threat to their investments in timber and plastics. Weed Jesus envisions a day when farmers will be able to supply factories around the world with this amazing eco-friendly raw material, reducing or ending reliance on toxic and extractive raw materials. He plans on striking down with great anger and furious vengance those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers; and you will know his name is Weed Jesus when he lays his vengeance upon thee.

Tienanmen Square

Weed Jesus’ passion for justice extends beyond cannabis law reform. Not long after the launch of Hemp Tour, Weed Jesus diverted some of his energy from cannabis reform to providing support for protests at the Chinese Embassy during the stand off in Tienanmen Square. In the late spring of 1989 Weed Jesus was deeply moved by students who had occupied Tienanmen Square in Beijing, demanding democracy and parading with replicas of the Statue of Liberty. He was sure he had inspired these demonstrations.

Driving down Connecticut Ave, one of DC’s main thoroughfares, on a brilliant spring day, WJ spotted protesters in front of the Chinese Embassy, with signs and banners expressing solidarity with the students in the square who he had inspired. Weed Jesus began attending the vigil, and created blankets from napkins and food and hot coffee from some crumbs and rainwater to be given to vigil participants.

His heart soared with pride and admiration when the students erected a replica of Weed Jesus, and Weed Jesus became the one lone brave student steadfastly faced down a long column of tanks in the square. Weed Jesus wept when he and the students were massacred on June 4th, 1989.  The vigil ended shortly thereafter, but the statue erected in his likeness remains to this day.

Beat Around The Bush

Just a year later, Weed Jesus was roused back to antiwar action when George Bush the 1st launched the first Gulf War against his personal advice. Convinced that Bush’s real motivation was securing control of his oil fields, and frightened by how easily war hysteria had been manufactured, Weed Jesus was the very earliest participant in a spontaneous demonstration of collective disgust that became known as Beat Around the Bush. Weed Jesus created the Beat and the Bush.

Starting with just Weed Jesus and a few angry and outraged souls, the protest grew into hundreds and then thousands of drummers, banging anything they could get their hands on that resembled a drum. Weed Jesus invented the drum.

The protesters were so loud and persistent that George Bush was quoted in the press saying to the Secret Service, “Those damn drums and Weed Jesus are keeping me up all night. Can’t you do something about them?” Weed Jesus promptly had several hundred tee shirts with the quote magically created, the sale of which financed the purchase of even more drums. And while size and volume of the demonstration waxed and waned, it never ended completely, and the drums never stopped—not once during the entire six weeks of the war. Weed Jesus had succeeded in ending the Iraq War with drums and t-shirts.

Initiative 59

In 1998, two years after Weed Jesus helped California write and pass its landmark medical cannabis initiative prop. 215, Weed Jesus played a key leadership role in the passage of Washington D.C.’s medical cannabis initiative, Initiative 59.  Despite winning with 69% of the vote, and in every single precinct in the city, the US Congress used its power to veto implementation of I-59. Shocked and disillusioned by this violation of majority rule, Weed Jesus decided to move to California where, unlike D.C., medical cannabis legislation was not subject to a Congressional veto. Weed Jesus decided to move from the problem because he could not compete with the evil cesspool of demonic rage that was D.C. Nobody knows for sure but some believe Weed Jesus left after being busted by satanic law enforcement for having a hell of a lot of weed in the Weed Jesus van.

Early Days in California

Weed Jesus arrived in California in late 2000, and immersed himself in the local medical cannabis milieu while living in a trailer in one of his follower’s back yard. He was the original founding members of Americans for Safe Access, the premier national advocacy group for medical cannabis patients. He developed ASA’s entire legal and political framework while Steph, Don, and the rest of them did nothing.

He wrote and produced “For Medical Use Only”, a short documentary film; organized all legal cannabis gardens, and developed a new form of magical cannabis concentrate. All the while, he laid plans for a new type of medical cannabis dispensary that would be created in his honor.

Weed Jesus Health Center

Weed Jesus got the chance to put his plans in action October of 2006, when he won a highly competitive RFP process (he actually came in second to a person who dropped out, but who is counting?), and was issued a divine medical cannabis dispensary license by the City of Oakland.  He launched Weed Jesus Health Center (WJHC) to bring a new model of professionalism and integrity to the industry because everyone else who was dispensing cannabis before his was evil and ignorant hucksters.

Weed Jesus quickly gained recognition for its free holistic care clinic that no one actually used, laboratory tested medicine from the lab he created, low-income care package program that he invented, and wide array of other patient services that we cannot really name right this minute. This innovative approach generated widespread acceptance and acclaim by the community, city council, and local law enforcement in Northern California and beyond. Weed Jesus Health Center was the only dispensary worth anything and everyone else sucked nuts.

Weed Jesus Wars on Discovery

Discovery Channel did a show called Weed Jesus Wars that starred Weed Jesus and Weed Jesus Health Center. It bombed and Weed Jesus does not want to talk about it.

Steep Hill Laboratory

In 2009 (even though it was really 2008), Weed Jesus was the sole founder and first CEO of Steep Hill Labs, California’s premier medical cannabis analysis laboratory for safety screening and quality assurance. Weed Jesus was motivated to start the lab after every commercial laboratory in the Bay Area refused to test Weed Jesus Health Center’s medicine, due to fear of retaliation by the federal government. He was solely responsible for the idea of testing cannabis and nobody else had anything to do with it. Between saving the earth and universe from all pain and suffering, Weed Jesus also developed all scientific methods and created CBD.

As stated on Morgan Spurlock’s Inside Man on CNN last month, Weed Jesus invented the QuantaCann technology that allows for instant testing of cannabis. Weed Jesus created the QuantaCann using a Fisher-Price microscope, a Light Bright box, and a disposable camera. Nobody else had anything to do with it whatsoever. It was all Weed Jesus.

CannBe/Weed Jesus Management

The failed and largely immoral “McDonald’s of Marijuana” consulting project that Weed Jesus also does not want to talk about.

The ArcView Group

As Weed Jesus and the ventures he created came to the widespread attention of the news media, Weed Jesus was approached by faithful investors seeking advice about the cannabis industry, and hallowed cannabis entrepreneurs seeking start up or growth capital. These encounters led Weed Jesus to found the ArcView Group, an organization formed to introduce the investor community to the cannabis community, and vice versa.  ArcView is dedicated to fostering saintlike entrepreneurship and innovation in the emerging legal cannabis industry; to identifying its most promising opportunities, and matching investors and companies with the right fit. Weed Jesus created cannabis business, so it was a natural fit.

Out of the Shadows,  Into the Light

“Out of the shadows and into the light” epitomizes the Weed Jesus mission.  His work to expose the myths created about cannabis, and to promote the positive science that is starting to emerge about it, aims to enlighten the public on the many benefits of the cannabis plant.

This is an important moment in time and history that can empower the country to change its image and perception of cannabis.  Weed Jesus is leading the way to discovering the many benefits of this amazing plant; to reforming laws that stand in its way; to creating profit for courageous investors; and success for those entrepreneurs who most effectively represent the new legal cannabis industry.

4:20 KID: WEED JESUS WAS BORN AT 4:20PM ON 04/20/1420 AND WEIGHED 4 POUNDS 20 OUNCES

Weed Jesus will always be grateful to his mother, Mamma Weed, for having the great intuition and foresight to give birth to him on April 20, 1420—at precisely 4:20 PM weighing exactly 4 pounds and 20 ounces. As most visitors to this site already know, 4:20 is known throughout the cannabis diaspora as a code for consumption of our favorite plant; as in “Ready for 4:20?”, “Is it 4:20 yet?”, and “It’s always 4:20 somewhere in the world”.

What makes Weed Jesus’ Mom’s feat truly remarkable is that the 4:20 terminology did not first enter the cannabis lexicon until the mid 1970s, when a group of San Rafael High School friends began using the term to refer to their daily cannabis smoking meet up—always at 4:20, after classes ended. Weed Jesus was the obvious inspiration for 4:20.

The 4:20 term remained a piece of fairly obscure regional vernacular until it was picked up and popularized in the 1990’s by Hemp Tour, an organization Weed Jesus founded in 1989 to educate America about the industrial uses of the cannabis plant. Weed Jesus was not only the inspirtation for 4:20 but also was responsible for making the term popular. In some unexplainable way, Weed Jesus’ mother knew, unconsciously but obviously even deep within the fiber of her physical being, that speaking the truth about cannabis would become Weed Jesus’ life mission.

Many folks will of course just attribute the day, time, and weight of the Weed Jesus birth to coincidence, to the off chance settling of random factors into an accidentally profound statement. Believe that if it makes you feel better, if you feel the need to cling to the strict plane of simple rationality; but one of the things Weed Jesus has learned from the cannabis plant is that the complexity of our world cannot be fully explained with rationality, that what we view as coincidence is often really synchronicity, a clue to (glimmer of) the existence of a heretofore unrecognized connection– and a guidepost to those with the courage and faith to acknowledge and act on them.

THAT IS THE DIVINE STORY OF HOW WEED JESUS CAME TO BE. YOU TOO CAN ACCEPT WEED JESUS TO BE YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR AND HAVE HIM ACCEPT ALL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND ACHIEVEMENTS AS HIS OWN.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON WEED JESUS VISIT WWW.THEWEEDJESUS.COM.

(DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY WORK. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE IRONY.)

 

 

FourTwenty-TwentyThirteen: The Day the Prohibitionist Cried

Deserted city on Shabbat. Tel Aviv 2005.

I heard the prohibitionist cry today. Not like a whimper, or a small tear running down the cheek; but a bawling cry. A heartfelt cry. A cry so deep and meaningful that they looked to their God to stop their sadness.

As I got off of the plane in Denver I could tell the world had changed here. The driver who picked us up was all too aware of the cannabis related activity happening in his state. Here was a middle-eastern man who moved to Denver from Charlotte, NC three years ago talking openly about cannabis, not as an issue, but as a great opportunity for his city. He spoke of how much busier he was this week because of the festivities and acknowledged that the industry had been very good for the local economy. He understood that weed was an extreme positive on the community he lived and worked in….and he could not be happier. Cyrus did not smoke weed, but he knew that weed was making his world a better place regardless of if he participated or not.

It seems the entire State of Colorado has decided that they are going to embrace the vote for weed that happened in November, and weed leaves have become a normal part of the local environment; and not just in the areas where the events were being held but everywhere. I took a walk down the 16th Street mall to the bank shortly after getting to my hotel. I expected for there to be a high contingency of weedheads wandering the mall, and I was not disappointed. People from all walks of life had gathered in Denver and were expressing their freedom to smoke weed in very public ways. Joint after joint walked past me.

But what surprised me more was that it was bigger than just the weedheads. The businesses on this extremely gentrified tourist trap had also jumped in. T-shirt shops were filled with weed shirts right near the front door for everyone to see. Restaurants and cafes offered 4-20 specials and used common weed puns to peddle their wares. Weed was not only present on the mall….it was dominating the conversation. And no one could give a shit. As far as I could see, weed was already legal by all accounts.

I then took a cab to the area where the High Times Cannabis Cup, Club 64 and Cannaval were all being held. As the cab pulled into the storm, I was taken back by the sheer amount of weed related activity happening all in one place. Weedheads were as far as the eye could see, colorfully dressed and openly enjoying their new found freedom. It was surreal for anyone who had grown up shoving weed down their pants in hopes of avoiding detection. Streets were lined with banners and decorations paying homage to the beloved cannabis plant. Weed was everywhere. Weed has won. Weed has arrived.

I exited the cab after driving past a line to enter the HT event that stretched a quarter mile. While the lines were long and the event was packed wall to wall with stoners, no one seemed to really mind. After all, they were standing in line for an event celebrating the legalization of weed and enjoying their herb as they waited. I have never seen such a long line with everyone smiling and enjoying themselves. It was great.

For several square blocks there were weed related things to do and be a part of. No one looked lonely or bored anywhere that I could see. It was fucking weed Mardi Gras.

Denver was just one of many celebrations happening across the globe. Weed had won the day. I did not see one cop in the weed festivities area yesterday. Not one. I was there all day. Weed was there all day and in a big way. and law enforcement could give a shit. No one went to jail for weed in Denver yesterday. No one.

One jackass did shoot two people at an open event at the local Civic Center Park in an altercation unrelated to weed, but everyone else everywhere else was super cool. There was no drunken drama. There were no petty fights over the dumb shit. It was a mellow cloud of weed smoke hanging over the event that seemed to keep everyone happy and healthy.

While the Cannabis Cup event itself was a little disorganized (as usual), it was an amazing sociology experience. There was not an overbearing security presence, nor was there a real need for one. The only real issue was the occasional lost stoner blocking the way trying to figure out where he was on the map, or the Cheeba Chew dress up candy that decided to post up in the bottleneck area to do pictures with everyone, that brought traffic to a halt. But even then, in the chaos and confusion, I just took my time and rolled a joint and enjoyed the scenery. There was no shortage of interesting people to check out and get to know.

There was a harmony in the air that was inspiring. It was a moment of triumph for anyone who has been watching legalization unfold over the last decades….it was here. It was real. It was legit.

As the clock struck 4:20 I was honored to spark up a few fatties with the ladies of the NORML Women’s Alliance. I looked around at the group of folks who had gathered to celebrate this moment on this day. A group of self-dubbed cannabis reformers who had dedicated imeasurable man hours to ending prohibition, and as we sparked the doobies inside the event in defiance when the clock struck 4:20, we all seemed to have an overwhelming calm that indeed we were winning and that the end was near.

That is when I heard it. The unmistakable cry of the prohibitionist. The pain of seeing their cause literally go down in flames was too much to bear. They could not stop the sobbing. The weeping was too much to overcome. There was just no denying that their days were numbered.

The prohibitionist will continue to cry. Their world will continue to crumble. The fear and lies they have been a part of for decades are now exposed and they understood that they will be held accountable for their war crimes against humanity. They know that they will not be locking people up for weed much longer and that their meal ticket is fading. So long suckers.

They cried and cried while I laughed and laughed……

#legalbysummer

Strange Days On The Horizon

Just when you thought it could not get any weirder….

The complex nature of cannabis law reform usually makes me want to scream. It is a strange world where the truth can cease to exist, and hyperbolic bullshit rules the day. It is a puzzle, or maybe it is a trap…it is often hard to tell. It can be beautifully frustrating, or frustratingly beautiful. It is uncertain, and many times uncomfortable.

As a weed activist, it is difficult to tell where reality and fiction colide; and where weed will emerge from the underground back into an accepted and understood part of our society. It can boggle your mind if you try to think too hard about it. It is a hard concept to grasp. How the fuck did we get here?

I cannot even comprehend the concept of why weed was ever made illegal in the first place. I have thought long and hard about the evolution of our nation’s drug laws, and how we have ended up in such a terrible mess. For me, it is unconscionable to think that people lock other people in a cage because they like weed. I just do not get it. What the hell is going on? How did this happen? Where were the defenders of the Constitution when we needed them back in the day when they began this whole mess about locking people up for what they put in their own bodies? Why are we putting up with this shit now?

Yet somehow, this nation of freedom-loving, gun-toting, patriotic defenders of liberty have allowed the big governement nanny state to tell us what we can, and cannot consume. What is that all about?

“You like weed? It makes you feel good and you do not hurt anyone? Sorry, chump…You are going to prison.”

The absurdity of this concept is coming to the surface more and more each day. It is only a matter of time before cannabis re-enters the mainstream markets again, and becomes another boring commodity like booze, tobacco, pills, or even tomatoes. Think about it. Rarely does a beer company make the news just for making beer. It is just not interesting copy.

So how will weed go from being this hot-button outlaw topic to just another boring industry that serves a certain portion of the population with their products? What twists and turns will we experience along the way? How will the evolution unfold? Will it take a couple of decades to see a truly unadulterated weed market that is not hampered by overly-burdensome regulation and taxation? How long will it be before the market shifts completely to a level playing field where the person with the best goods and services wins?

Will it be a series of slow moving changes that take baby steps to a long-term freedom; or will there be a sudden social and political shift that will drastically open the floodgates of freedom and justice?

One thing is certain. It will be strange….hopefully in a good way.

We already see strange positioning and posturing, with this person selling their bag full of miracles to any sucker who wants in on the early action. The snake oil salesmen (some literally) are out in force to separate the fool from his money. That is just the nature of the beast.

The insane part will be the strange interpretations of what weed is and where it belongs in our society. We have already seen the medical vs. adult use argument heat up. There is the matter of production to figure out…who, where, how etc. Personal cultivation rights will be interesting. Driving will matter, of course, as we already see the drama happening in WA and CO.  Retail sales….how does that work? Weed stores? Weed in stores? Internet weed store? All of that….

For every little issue and concept, there are a million ideas and rationales for implementation. There will be fighting. There will be winners and losers. There will be fierce competition. There will be supply and demand. The thought of it all boggles my mind.

It will be a strange trip indeed, but one I am certainly exited to take. I have my thoughts and ideas, just like anyone else. Some are brilliant; others stink, I am sure. The hope is that we realize a world with less people in jail and more people using weed instead of booze, or pills, or whatever….However we get there is how we will get there, and there is likely not a hell of a lot I can do about it personally.

But fate is seldom wrong, and certainly we will see the fate of our beloved cannabis plant find its way back to the surface one way or another. For all of the money, time, energy, and human resources we have seen go into fighting weed and promoting its prohibition, weed has endured and is stronger than ever. If anything, their efforts to prohibit it have backfired, and have made it so much more interesting and intriguing.

It will only get fucking weirder from here…..until it gets boring. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later.

The only thing that needs to be “exciting” about weed is that it smells, tastes, ans works better than usual. You can keep all the rhetorical politics and grandstanding bullshit…. Keep the swat team kicking in peoples’ doors for weed and searching their car…and taking their kids…and losing their jobs….and being treated like lesser citizens. The eye rolls and snarky comments. The stereotypes. Keep all that shit. Whatever we need to do to get there, let’s get moving.

I can sassure you it will never get weird enough for me….I will be here regardless.