I am not sure what to think anymore.
The weed game has changed, or maybe I have. I have been looking for words to express how I feel since my visit to Denver for 4/20. I keep coming up empty.
On one hand it is amazing to see a cause you have been fighting so long for materialize into a bright and colorful landscape of cannabis business and culture. On the other hand, it is paralyzing to realize that we have passed the point of no return and that I can do very little to control the universe. The game is bigger than us all.
I have been reflecting on where I have been, where I am now, and where I am going…. It has been a daunting and emotional task to say the least. What I am coming to find is that I no longer know where I fit in the landscape, or if I ever did at all. The fight has been exhausting.
I have written more stuff about the cannabis movement than I care to think about. I often find myself writing a piece and it feels like the same words I have been speaking and writing for the last decade. It might be chopped and screwed to meet the newest demand of the day, but underneath it sounds redundant. I have been wondering if I even have anything to say anymore, or if I have written myself out of the game completely?
It is not that I think there is nothing left to say. I can find words for anything. I just wonder if there is anyone listening any more, or if the world has again passed me by. I look around at events these days and feel like an alien. I am not sure where I am or who the fuck all these people are. It is dumbfounding.
But maybe it is not the game that has really changed. Maybe it is me.
Is it possible that my loss of words is is reflective of a change in who I am and what I want? Is it possible that now that the writing is on the wall and prohibition will be ending soon that the magic is gone? Is it my reality that has shifted?
I am just not sure any more. I know that I will always be a part of the cannabis revolution, but is that enough? I question my place in the universe often and must consider the big picture. It will always be about a plant and some freedom to me. But how long can I go on dedicating my time, energy, and resources to fighting a battle that I am not sure is able to be won? What have I sacrificed over the years by allowing my cannabis tunnel vision to consume me?
There is more out there that I want and need. I am unsure that the industry and movement have the power to fulfill me any longer. Do not get me wrong… Weed will always be a part of my life, but how much longer can it be my entire life? At what point must I step back and just let things be?
I have given up a lot of myself to fight this battle for many years. I rarely sleep and have taken it upon myself to be a watchdog for this industry. I have no idea why any more?
While I hope that my words and time spent have helped others to find their voice and understand the world a little better, I must now begin to fight for me.
My sacrifice has taken its toll. It has exhausted me emotionally, compromised me financially, and has put me in harm’s way physically. I am invested in the “movement” so much that I have lost who I am. At some point I have become my writing and my communication. I have become words on a page. I have given up everything to be who I thought the movement needed me to be.
It has left me drained and empty. It has given me anxiety and stress that has made me question the world and my place in it. I have come to a fork in the road.
I must take time to reflect on what is next. Which direction is right for Mickey? What can I do to make my world better? I have spent so much time and energy working on how to make everyone else better that I have left myself behind. I can no longer afford to do that. The cost has been too big.
I appreciate the love for my work that I have experienced. Not a day goes by that I am not thanked for the way my pieces have touched other’s lives. That has been enough to keep me going for a long time. I am not sure why; but it no longer feels like enough.
I must step back and reevaluate things. I have to begin to consider myself in the equation. It can no longer be all about the weed game. I must find more balance. I cannot continue down the path of resistance.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
At some point I have to let go. If there is a place for me at the table I will be gald to take it, but at some point I must stop trying to bang the square peg into the round hole. I owe it to myself to have confidence that what I have given is enough.
At some point I have to learn to be happy with what is, and stop working on what could be.
It has been a long long journey for me. I am not sure it is coming to an end, but I do know there must be some changes. I have to find a way to be okay again. I cannot continue to fight until I can no longer breathe and the walls have closed in. I must evolve.
As I step back and begin to think more deeply about my place in the universe, I may not be as active in the community. I have given more than I had, and at some point that has to be enough….