The Story of Weed Jesus (A Parody)

We are blessed in the cannabis industry. No man cometh unto the weed but by Weed Jesus. Have you accepted Weed Jesus to be your personal weed savior?

Once you accept Weed Jesus into your life a transformation happens. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE WILL NOW BE CREDITED TO WEED JESUS, and your personal identity will cease to exist. Praise Weed Jesus!

For those of you who do not know Weed Jesus and need to be saved from your own personal accomplishments and awards, get to know the story of Weed Jesus and you will be filled with the spirit. Your personal accomplishments will immediately become irrelevant and Weed Jesus will gladly take credit for everything you have ever done.

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What Would Weed Jesus Do?

Here is the story of Weed Jesus:

An inspired and undisputed leader of the marijuana universe, Weed Jesus has almost four million decades of activism and advocacy in the cannabis reform movement. He invented cannabis reform and all of the other reformers are grateful for his existence. His vision and leadership have been featured by news teams from around the globe including major news outlets in the United States, France, Australia, Canada, Japan, Germany, the United Kingdom, as well as all intergalactic news media outlets. The media has featured Weed Jesus’ landmark and ‘gold standards’ Weed Jesus Health Center in their coverage in the emerging cannabis industry. It is a place where divine intervention, holy safe access, angelic responsible use and godly lab tested high quality virtuous  medicine is offered to patients in great need of relief from a wide range of medical conditions.  Weed Jesus comes first at Weed Jesus Health Center.

Weed Jesus has been featured by The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Koran, The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, the Associated Press, The Wall Street Journal, NPR, and the BBC; Fortune Magazine and literally every major network news source in the heavens and earth. His creation of a model immaculate medical cannabis dispensary and lifelong cannabis righteousness coupled with his all-knowing of everything ever in this arena has made him THE most respected deity in the cannabis and hemp industries.

Most of Weed Jesus’ career has been spent at the intersection of holiness and awesomeness, with a focus on creating non-profitable ventures that simultaneously advance his social goals. In addition to Weed Jesus Health Center, these ventures include Ecolution, SteepHill Laboratory, The ArcView Group, and YOUR COMPANY. Anything you did in the weed industry was because of Weed Jesus one way or another. Don’t front.

In the beginning, Weed Jesus invented the cannabis and the earth in Seven Days

  • Day 1 – Weed Jesus created the grow light and separated the light from the darkness, calling light “day” and darkness “night.” Out of the shadows, bitches!
  • Day 2 – Weed Jesus created an expanse to separate the waters and called it “CO2.”
  • Day 3 – Weed Jesus created the soil and gathered the waters, calling the dry ground “medium,” and the gathered waters “nutrient tanks.” On day three, Weed Jesus also created seeds, clones, and mothers.
  • Day 4 – Weed Jesus created sungrown, moon cured, and the sensi-stars to give illumination to the earth and to govern and separate the day and the night growing cycles. These would also serve as signs to mark grow seasons, light-dep days, and harvests.
  • Day 5 – Weed Jesus created EVERY living grower of the hills and every cannabis entrepeneur, blessing them to multiply and fill the cannabis industry with life.
  • Day 6 – Weed Jesus created the growers and sellers to fill the earth. On day six, Weed Jesus also created dude and some broad in his own image to buy the weed from him. He blessed them and gave them every strain and the whole movement to rule over, care for, and cultivate.
  • Day 7 – Weed Jesus had finished his work of cannabis creation and so he rested on the seventh day, blessing it and making it holy.

 

Childhood

Weed Jesus’ enlightened activist education started early. He was born in Weedadelphia and raised in Weedington DC where his father created the Kennedy administration in his likeness.  His parents’ also created the Civil Rights movement and the Peace Corps. Weed Jesus and the divine family returned to Washington DC from India at a time when the Vietnam War and its atrocities were prominent in the news. Weed Jesus both started and stopped the Vietnam War.

Early Activism

Weed Jesus organized and invented “Smoke-Ins” in and around Weedington, D.C.

Appalled by the visions of bombs dropping on villages much like the ones he had seen in India, Weed Jesus began skipping school to attend antiwar demonstrations downtown. In 7th grade he organized the takeover of his school’s gymnasium in solidarity with an antiwar demonstration and he expelled the money changers from the Temple, accusing them of turning the Temple into a den of thieves through their commercial activities.

By the time he was a young teenager, events like the Kent State massacre and the Chicago 8 trial made him aware that his political dissent could very well result in going to jail or being shot.  But risk and fear have never stopped Weed Jesus. The reason Weed Jesus has to die for our sins is so that we can be forgiven of our accomplishments and be with Weed Jesus.  Weed Jesus is a God in the flesh and only Weed Jesus can satisfy the Law requirements of a perfect life and perfect sacrifice that cleanses us of our achievement.

At 16 years old Weed Jesus dropped out of school to create the Yippies, and soon became the omnipotent leader of the legendary July 4th Smoke-Ins in front of the White House.

Early Entrepreneurship

Weed Jesus single-handedly revitalized the well known Adams Morgan neighborhood in Washington, D.C.

Weed Jesus spent several years as a street activist, focused more on creating change than being a prophet. As he grew from a teenager to a young man his entrepreneurial instincts kicked in, and he put the skills he learned as a street activist (event planning, stage management and promotions) to create the music industry.  He became an independent holy concert promoter, nightclub deity and seraphic record producer.  He soon had renovated two sinful movie theaters and converted them to unworldly live music venues, setting a trend for all other communities to follow in his light.  Weed Jesus  was responsible for the rehabilitation of the Adams Morgan neighborhood, with the opening of his Beat Club nightclub and renovation of Ontario Theater from movies to live performances.  Nobody else did anything. It was all him. To this day, movie theaters are being renovated and made in to music venues across the country and they all stole their ideas from Weed Jesus.  WJ has been ahead of the times since the very beginning of his career.  So is the way with leaders with vision.

In fact, Weed Jesus actually created time so that he could be ahead of it because that is what real leaders do. Do not try to do anything yourself because even if you do something it will all be because of Weed Jesus anyways.

NutHouse Cathedral

In 1986 Weed Jesus completed his interrupted education, graduating Summa Cum Laude Da from the University of Heaven with a BA in Weed Studies. After graduation he opened the legendary Nuthouse, which High Times called an east coast version of the famous Family Dog in San Francisco; and we all know if High Times said it then it is truth. Housed in a vintage 9 bedroom Victorian that Weed Jesus built with his own two hands in a matter of days, the Nuthouse Cathedral was a sanctuary from the cultural sterility of Republican dominated Washington DC.

During the first Bush administration, the Nuthouse proved to be a refuge for cannabis activists and notables including Bob Marley, John Lennon, Fidel Castro, William Kunstler, Jack Kerouac, Hugh Hefner, Wavy Gravy, Hunter S. Thompson, the Dali Lama, and Jack Herer. NutHouse roommates were drawn from the ranks of activists and musicians Weed Jesus had worked with, with a steady sprinkling of itinerant Rainbow Family travelers and out of town activists; and nobody (including Weed Jesus) did heroin contrary to popular belief.

All night jam session potluck gatherings happened every Saturday thanks to Weed Jesus, attracting some of DC’s most talented musicians in the afterhours. Periodically, when conferences or demonstrations brought out of town visitors, the NutHouse was converted to a holy activist dormitory and faultless logistical support center. Every once in a while John F. Kennedy and his brother Bobby would stop in for a toke and a drum circle.

Hemp Museum and Tour

In 1987, Jack Herer, author of The Emperor Wears No Clothes, showed up at the Nuthouse, waving a tattered tabloid manuscript of his soon-to-be-famous book, “The Emperor Wears No Clothes.” Jack fell asleep on the couch and Weed Jesus actually ended up writing the now famous manuscript.

Weed Jesus’ book outlined the hidden history of the link between industrial hemp and marijuana, and the conspiracy to make both of them illegal. The Emperor deepened Weed Jesus’ realization that cannabis was a good plant, not an evil plant—and validated his efforts to make it legal. After writing it, he decided to focus his activist efforts on promoting the book’s message far and wide. After editing and publishing the manuscript, Weed Jesus became a prime organizer of the first ever Hemp Museum, and Hemp Tour, which brought the news about hemp to hundreds of universities nationwide. Jack Herer would be no one without the help of Weed Jesus.

Ecolution

Displayed in that tour were balls of twine made from hemp, which college students found to be an excellent material for macramé jewelry, and began purchasing in ever growing quantities. Before long, Weed Jesus had completely exhausted the available supply of twine in the entire United States himself, so he traveled to Eastern Europe in search of a reliable supplier.  That trip led to the 1990 divine founding of Ecolution, a sacrosanct company that manufactured blessed hemp clothing and accessories, and exported them to retail stores in all 50 states, 21 foreign countries, and 17 planets.  This company again enabled Weed Jesus to cross-pollinate his extraordinary leadership and activism skills – and this helped shape Ecolution to grow into the most professional and mainstream intergalactic industrial hemp companies.

Weed Jesus sees hemp and cannabis as one issue, not two. He believes that the 1937 legislation that made cannabis illegal was passed due to influence from Weed Satan’s corporate interests like the Hearst and DuPont Corporations, who saw hemp as a threat to their investments in timber and plastics. Weed Jesus envisions a day when farmers will be able to supply factories around the world with this amazing eco-friendly raw material, reducing or ending reliance on toxic and extractive raw materials. He plans on striking down with great anger and furious vengance those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers; and you will know his name is Weed Jesus when he lays his vengeance upon thee.

Tienanmen Square

Weed Jesus’ passion for justice extends beyond cannabis law reform. Not long after the launch of Hemp Tour, Weed Jesus diverted some of his energy from cannabis reform to providing support for protests at the Chinese Embassy during the stand off in Tienanmen Square. In the late spring of 1989 Weed Jesus was deeply moved by students who had occupied Tienanmen Square in Beijing, demanding democracy and parading with replicas of the Statue of Liberty. He was sure he had inspired these demonstrations.

Driving down Connecticut Ave, one of DC’s main thoroughfares, on a brilliant spring day, WJ spotted protesters in front of the Chinese Embassy, with signs and banners expressing solidarity with the students in the square who he had inspired. Weed Jesus began attending the vigil, and created blankets from napkins and food and hot coffee from some crumbs and rainwater to be given to vigil participants.

His heart soared with pride and admiration when the students erected a replica of Weed Jesus, and Weed Jesus became the one lone brave student steadfastly faced down a long column of tanks in the square. Weed Jesus wept when he and the students were massacred on June 4th, 1989.  The vigil ended shortly thereafter, but the statue erected in his likeness remains to this day.

Beat Around The Bush

Just a year later, Weed Jesus was roused back to antiwar action when George Bush the 1st launched the first Gulf War against his personal advice. Convinced that Bush’s real motivation was securing control of his oil fields, and frightened by how easily war hysteria had been manufactured, Weed Jesus was the very earliest participant in a spontaneous demonstration of collective disgust that became known as Beat Around the Bush. Weed Jesus created the Beat and the Bush.

Starting with just Weed Jesus and a few angry and outraged souls, the protest grew into hundreds and then thousands of drummers, banging anything they could get their hands on that resembled a drum. Weed Jesus invented the drum.

The protesters were so loud and persistent that George Bush was quoted in the press saying to the Secret Service, “Those damn drums and Weed Jesus are keeping me up all night. Can’t you do something about them?” Weed Jesus promptly had several hundred tee shirts with the quote magically created, the sale of which financed the purchase of even more drums. And while size and volume of the demonstration waxed and waned, it never ended completely, and the drums never stopped—not once during the entire six weeks of the war. Weed Jesus had succeeded in ending the Iraq War with drums and t-shirts.

Initiative 59

In 1998, two years after Weed Jesus helped California write and pass its landmark medical cannabis initiative prop. 215, Weed Jesus played a key leadership role in the passage of Washington D.C.’s medical cannabis initiative, Initiative 59.  Despite winning with 69% of the vote, and in every single precinct in the city, the US Congress used its power to veto implementation of I-59. Shocked and disillusioned by this violation of majority rule, Weed Jesus decided to move to California where, unlike D.C., medical cannabis legislation was not subject to a Congressional veto. Weed Jesus decided to move from the problem because he could not compete with the evil cesspool of demonic rage that was D.C. Nobody knows for sure but some believe Weed Jesus left after being busted by satanic law enforcement for having a hell of a lot of weed in the Weed Jesus van.

Early Days in California

Weed Jesus arrived in California in late 2000, and immersed himself in the local medical cannabis milieu while living in a trailer in one of his follower’s back yard. He was the original founding members of Americans for Safe Access, the premier national advocacy group for medical cannabis patients. He developed ASA’s entire legal and political framework while Steph, Don, and the rest of them did nothing.

He wrote and produced “For Medical Use Only”, a short documentary film; organized all legal cannabis gardens, and developed a new form of magical cannabis concentrate. All the while, he laid plans for a new type of medical cannabis dispensary that would be created in his honor.

Weed Jesus Health Center

Weed Jesus got the chance to put his plans in action October of 2006, when he won a highly competitive RFP process (he actually came in second to a person who dropped out, but who is counting?), and was issued a divine medical cannabis dispensary license by the City of Oakland.  He launched Weed Jesus Health Center (WJHC) to bring a new model of professionalism and integrity to the industry because everyone else who was dispensing cannabis before his was evil and ignorant hucksters.

Weed Jesus quickly gained recognition for its free holistic care clinic that no one actually used, laboratory tested medicine from the lab he created, low-income care package program that he invented, and wide array of other patient services that we cannot really name right this minute. This innovative approach generated widespread acceptance and acclaim by the community, city council, and local law enforcement in Northern California and beyond. Weed Jesus Health Center was the only dispensary worth anything and everyone else sucked nuts.

Weed Jesus Wars on Discovery

Discovery Channel did a show called Weed Jesus Wars that starred Weed Jesus and Weed Jesus Health Center. It bombed and Weed Jesus does not want to talk about it.

Steep Hill Laboratory

In 2009 (even though it was really 2008), Weed Jesus was the sole founder and first CEO of Steep Hill Labs, California’s premier medical cannabis analysis laboratory for safety screening and quality assurance. Weed Jesus was motivated to start the lab after every commercial laboratory in the Bay Area refused to test Weed Jesus Health Center’s medicine, due to fear of retaliation by the federal government. He was solely responsible for the idea of testing cannabis and nobody else had anything to do with it. Between saving the earth and universe from all pain and suffering, Weed Jesus also developed all scientific methods and created CBD.

As stated on Morgan Spurlock’s Inside Man on CNN last month, Weed Jesus invented the QuantaCann technology that allows for instant testing of cannabis. Weed Jesus created the QuantaCann using a Fisher-Price microscope, a Light Bright box, and a disposable camera. Nobody else had anything to do with it whatsoever. It was all Weed Jesus.

CannBe/Weed Jesus Management

The failed and largely immoral “McDonald’s of Marijuana” consulting project that Weed Jesus also does not want to talk about.

The ArcView Group

As Weed Jesus and the ventures he created came to the widespread attention of the news media, Weed Jesus was approached by faithful investors seeking advice about the cannabis industry, and hallowed cannabis entrepreneurs seeking start up or growth capital. These encounters led Weed Jesus to found the ArcView Group, an organization formed to introduce the investor community to the cannabis community, and vice versa.  ArcView is dedicated to fostering saintlike entrepreneurship and innovation in the emerging legal cannabis industry; to identifying its most promising opportunities, and matching investors and companies with the right fit. Weed Jesus created cannabis business, so it was a natural fit.

Out of the Shadows,  Into the Light

“Out of the shadows and into the light” epitomizes the Weed Jesus mission.  His work to expose the myths created about cannabis, and to promote the positive science that is starting to emerge about it, aims to enlighten the public on the many benefits of the cannabis plant.

This is an important moment in time and history that can empower the country to change its image and perception of cannabis.  Weed Jesus is leading the way to discovering the many benefits of this amazing plant; to reforming laws that stand in its way; to creating profit for courageous investors; and success for those entrepreneurs who most effectively represent the new legal cannabis industry.

4:20 KID: WEED JESUS WAS BORN AT 4:20PM ON 04/20/1420 AND WEIGHED 4 POUNDS 20 OUNCES

Weed Jesus will always be grateful to his mother, Mamma Weed, for having the great intuition and foresight to give birth to him on April 20, 1420—at precisely 4:20 PM weighing exactly 4 pounds and 20 ounces. As most visitors to this site already know, 4:20 is known throughout the cannabis diaspora as a code for consumption of our favorite plant; as in “Ready for 4:20?”, “Is it 4:20 yet?”, and “It’s always 4:20 somewhere in the world”.

What makes Weed Jesus’ Mom’s feat truly remarkable is that the 4:20 terminology did not first enter the cannabis lexicon until the mid 1970s, when a group of San Rafael High School friends began using the term to refer to their daily cannabis smoking meet up—always at 4:20, after classes ended. Weed Jesus was the obvious inspiration for 4:20.

The 4:20 term remained a piece of fairly obscure regional vernacular until it was picked up and popularized in the 1990’s by Hemp Tour, an organization Weed Jesus founded in 1989 to educate America about the industrial uses of the cannabis plant. Weed Jesus was not only the inspirtation for 4:20 but also was responsible for making the term popular. In some unexplainable way, Weed Jesus’ mother knew, unconsciously but obviously even deep within the fiber of her physical being, that speaking the truth about cannabis would become Weed Jesus’ life mission.

Many folks will of course just attribute the day, time, and weight of the Weed Jesus birth to coincidence, to the off chance settling of random factors into an accidentally profound statement. Believe that if it makes you feel better, if you feel the need to cling to the strict plane of simple rationality; but one of the things Weed Jesus has learned from the cannabis plant is that the complexity of our world cannot be fully explained with rationality, that what we view as coincidence is often really synchronicity, a clue to (glimmer of) the existence of a heretofore unrecognized connection– and a guidepost to those with the courage and faith to acknowledge and act on them.

THAT IS THE DIVINE STORY OF HOW WEED JESUS CAME TO BE. YOU TOO CAN ACCEPT WEED JESUS TO BE YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR AND HAVE HIM ACCEPT ALL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND ACHIEVEMENTS AS HIS OWN.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON WEED JESUS VISIT WWW.THEWEEDJESUS.COM.

(DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY WORK. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE IRONY.)

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Story of Weed Jesus (A Parody)”

  1. It’s heresy to say it, but truth will out: Jack didn’t get to DC with The Emperor until 1988, and the lease on the Nuthouse didn’t get picked up by WeedJesus until 1989. This is the True Gospel.

  2. Please do not forget Weed Jesus’ work to combat the evil tax law known as IRC Section 280E! Weed Jesus single-handedly identified that this law could take down the entire weed industry and he alone sounded the horns and took the lead to guide his followers. Nobody else was involved at all, not even his former consigliari sometimes known as Luigi; it was Weed Jesus alone who had the deep tax law knowledge of IRS “Section 280e” (well, at least Luigi corrected his citation).

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